The Balls of Captain Zhao
by True Colours
Summary: Life on board Captain Zhao's ship is less than pleasant, but there are a few rays of sunshine. Lieutenant Jee writes this song, celebrating his Captain's lack of...well, balls. Inspired by Nele's 'People in the Mirror are Closer Than They Appear'.
1. Chapter 1

**The Girls from Ba Sing Se**

**Disclaimer: **I do not own Avatar, nor the idea for this song.

**A/N: **'_The one time they'd succeed in making a laughing stock of Zhao had also ended badly, but it was glorious while it lasted. It had started when one of the sailors made up a dirty poem that told the absolutely untrue story of how Captain Zhao had once tried to dishonor a Water woman, who had taken out a whalebone knife, cut his balls clean off, and made them into barbarian soup. Lieutenant Jee and a few other more musically inclined crew members had ended up rewriting the poem to fit the tune of "The Girls from Ba Sing Se", and that turned out to be a stroke of absolute brilliance. Every person in the world from the Fire Lord to the lowest fish-munching Water savage knew that particular melody, and in no time, the ditty was all over every Earth Kingdom port._'

**A few lines from 'People in the Mirror are Closer Than They Appear' by **Nele**, which can be found here: http:/ archiveofourown . org/ works/164669/ chapters/239418? view_adult=true**. **If you don't mind ****slash, almost-under-age-ness and crack, I highly recommend it. Anyway, when I read this passage, I decided that the song, 'The Balls of Captain Zhao,' had to be written, and during one of my 'crazy little insomniac' moments, I wrote it. Then I bethought me that a parody needs an original, so I wrote 'The Girls from Ba Sing Se' as well, with my sister, **Essence of Gold**, providing the second verse. I hope you enjoy it, and I heartily recommend the original fic, which is one of the finest I've ever come across.**

It's a long, long way to Ba Sing Se  
>And the city walls are high,<br>And the people say on a cloudy day  
>That they seem to touch the sky.<br>But the looming gates and the gloomy stones  
>And the towers of the fortress grey<br>Hide a treasure rare and so passing-fair  
>It makes troubles melt away.<p>

Every night when I camp on the road I pray  
>That I'll meet with a girl from Ba Sing Se.<p>

Well, whether she is young or old,  
>With leaf-green eyes or brown<br>She'll give a smile, and stop awhile,  
>To lift you if you're down.<br>With shining hair and steady gaze  
>She'll make the world new again<br>Her laughter is like the sun's gold rays  
>Though all about, there is rain<p>

Yes, I would travel many days  
>To meet a girl of Ba Sing Se's!<p>

Joo Dee will show you round the town,  
>Jin Mei will bring you wine,<br>And they'll dance with you when the glowing lamps  
>Make the Fire-Light Fountain shine.<br>You work all day, get a soldier's pay  
>And at times you're too tired to care,<br>But the girls from the city are all so pretty  
>And you know that they're waiting there.<p>

There's nothing to speed you on your way  
>Like a kiss from the girls of Ba Sing Se!<p> 


	2. Chapter 2

**The Balls of Captain Zhao**

**A/N: And here is the parody. You can sing it to this tune right here: http:/ www . youtube . com /watch?v= MKi_YIkl6Q**

O, Captain Zhao was a noble man  
>And a noble man was he<br>When he led his ship and his benders proud  
>On the breast of the stormy sea,<br>And he hadn't had any for a very long time;  
>For a long time had he had none<br>When he chanced on a Water wench combing her hair  
>In the light of the rising sun.<p>

O, listen a moment; I'll tell you how  
>She vanquished the balls of Captain Zhao.<p>

O, Captain Zhao, he said to himself,  
>And unto himself said he:<br>'This dame so fair with her silken hair  
>'Might be made for delighting me.<br>'Her eyes are bright as the starry sky  
>'And as green as the foamy brine.<br>'Later today, when her menfolk are away,  
>'I'll head over and make her mine!'<p>

O, peril was breathing even now  
>Its cold breath on the balls of Captain Zhao.<p>

O, Captain Zhao strode across the ice  
>On the first path that he could find,<br>And laid his hand on the shoulder firm  
>Of the dame whom he had in mind.<br>But alas and alack! When about turned she,  
>But alas! When she turned around,<br>She clasped in her hand a whale-bone knife,  
>And her shout made the cliffs resound!<p>

Had you heard that cry, you would understand how  
>It might frighten the balls off of Captain Zhao!<p>

O, ask ye not what the Water dame did  
>When she and poor Zhao did meet,<br>But his soldiers say he came limping home  
>Quite alive, but not quite complete.<br>And the dame and her kinsmen did sing to the moon  
>And feast in the winter snow,<br>On barbarian soup that would give them the strength  
>And the courage of Captain Zhao!<p>

O suffering crew, you can understand now  
>What became of the balls of Captain Zhao!<p> 


End file.
